Today I went to Sam's club to run an errand for mom, and it took literally no time at all to find what she needed and to get back to the front. When I reached the front there were several lanes free so I just chose a random lane and the cashier had her back to me originally. I walked up to her, and she turned around once I reached the belt. I hope the surprise that I initally felt because of her appearance did not show on my face.
The woman who was the cashier at this lane was an older black woman, who had a lazy eye, her arm was in a sling, and her black hair had random patches of white. Oh wait, I forgot, she had a wonderful smile. My initial shock was lost as she greeted me warmly and talked to me as if I had known her for years. Her kindness overcame her appearance and inwardly I felt bad for how I'd felt upon first seeing her. And after I finished checking out she simply said, "have a blessed day."
I don't know if four words have ever affected me more profoundly.
Afterwards on my way home, I stopped at a cemetary in historic downtown of Pensacola because I'd never had the opportunity to actually walk around historic downtown. As I walked through the cemetary, I saw so many faceless names: husbands, wives, dads, moms, brothers, sisters, sons, and daughters. It broke me down. Seeing tombstones of infants who never had a chance to grow up. And then I saw husbands who were separated from their wives by death, and the same for wives who were widowed. It broke my heart and I sat their like a weirdo crying over people I'd never met. Families who experienced loss, and people who had grieved over their friends came into my mind and it was too much. I imagined losing those who are close to me. I don't want to have to live through that, though I know I will. It was a broken, yet a beautiful place, that cemetary.
My eyes were opened to a lot of new things, and some old things that I needed to be reminded of today. And at the end of this day I'm finding myself thanking God for friends who talk to me about the tough things, and the things that people just don't bring up. Thanking God for challenging me through those friends. God is so good.
I think today was a blessed day.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
What is love? Baby, don't hurt me.
This summer, I've been learning about love. If there has been a theme to my summer, it has been love. Working with kids, working with mom and dad getting the house ready to move, and living life. I am learning how central and how key love is to living life. Or at least this life that I desire to live.
In the past I've wondered how God could be perfect, but as I've learned about love I feel I've grasped a larger concept here. Working with kids at K-Kountry was tough. They were impatient, I learned to be patient; they complained and cried, I encouraged them; they got hurt, I picked them up and comforted them. It was tough helping them all the time, and loving them beyond my capabilities. I'd get frustrated with them but I memorized scripture to help me when I didn't think I could love them. 1 Corinthians 13 was the first place I went and learned about love. I learned the qualities found in Christ driven love. I learned to love not because I wanted the kids to love me, but because of the love I had in and from Christ.
While I was at kamp, I got into the Circle series by Tedd Dekker and it was an excellent series (Thanks Nate Sherrer for the recommendation!). It was not really a love series at all, but it made analogies to God's love for us and how He is our groom and we are his bride. I saw the analogy come to life for the first time. And realized how much Christ longs to be with us and to give us the abundant life that we can't attain without him. It blew my mind when I finally understood that.
I want to love with a love that is more like that of Christ's, and that is more unconditional and forgiving. I'm not there yet, but I'm learning about this thing called love.
Love. It is something that baffles many of us. Whether it is understanding God's perfect love, love of your friends, or a more romantic kind of love, we are all searching and are desiring to be loved. I wish I had a better understanding of love. But until we figure out this emotion and decision called love, I'll keep asking, "What is love?"
In the past I've wondered how God could be perfect, but as I've learned about love I feel I've grasped a larger concept here. Working with kids at K-Kountry was tough. They were impatient, I learned to be patient; they complained and cried, I encouraged them; they got hurt, I picked them up and comforted them. It was tough helping them all the time, and loving them beyond my capabilities. I'd get frustrated with them but I memorized scripture to help me when I didn't think I could love them. 1 Corinthians 13 was the first place I went and learned about love. I learned the qualities found in Christ driven love. I learned to love not because I wanted the kids to love me, but because of the love I had in and from Christ.
While I was at kamp, I got into the Circle series by Tedd Dekker and it was an excellent series (Thanks Nate Sherrer for the recommendation!). It was not really a love series at all, but it made analogies to God's love for us and how He is our groom and we are his bride. I saw the analogy come to life for the first time. And realized how much Christ longs to be with us and to give us the abundant life that we can't attain without him. It blew my mind when I finally understood that.
I want to love with a love that is more like that of Christ's, and that is more unconditional and forgiving. I'm not there yet, but I'm learning about this thing called love.
Love. It is something that baffles many of us. Whether it is understanding God's perfect love, love of your friends, or a more romantic kind of love, we are all searching and are desiring to be loved. I wish I had a better understanding of love. But until we figure out this emotion and decision called love, I'll keep asking, "What is love?"
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Lost in translation?
I've been praying more than usual lately. Whether it has been big or small things, I've just felt the urge and the desire to pray a lot. Some things have been answered in seconds leaving me amazed at how personal my God is, and other things have been sitting in the back of my head leaving me wondering if anyone was listening when I was speaking. Then there have been subjects of prayer that have been in that in between stage. The awkward area where I don't really have a clue about anything that is going on.
I feel lost. Without a map, without a clue, almost without hope. But I know that God gives me silence in some of these prayers so that I may rely more fully on him, and so that I can be grown into a stronger and more faith-driven person. It's tough being in the dark in some of these situations, because I want to know the answers to those things that I pray about. But in many ways I think that I'm supposed to wait on God silently. And be patient.
So for now, while I'm in this waiting stage in which I'm wondering what God has in store for me, I'm lost in translation.
I feel lost. Without a map, without a clue, almost without hope. But I know that God gives me silence in some of these prayers so that I may rely more fully on him, and so that I can be grown into a stronger and more faith-driven person. It's tough being in the dark in some of these situations, because I want to know the answers to those things that I pray about. But in many ways I think that I'm supposed to wait on God silently. And be patient.
So for now, while I'm in this waiting stage in which I'm wondering what God has in store for me, I'm lost in translation.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Reading in between the white lines on the road.
I have to give credit for the title of this to Erin Quinn. I thought it was a great quote, and I think Ben Rector is awesome. So, there, I don't feel guilty or like a copy-cat anymore.
I am sitting up at 1:19 am wondering why i'm still awake, and why the questions keep on coming. Living in a new town, with no home, and not many friends isn't what I had in mind to end my summer with. But, maybe it's not about what I had in mind. (I don't know where this post is going, my fingers are just kind of roaming as I think...haha)
I wish things went the way I wanted, but if they did, they probably wouldn't turn out half as well as they typically do. I wish I could understand and know why. But I suppose, Job, a righteous man, when he asked God why, God answered him out of a storm and Job recieved the answer of his lifetime. No, I guess I don't need to know why, (nor could I if I did need to know).
I want to live a reformed, and a radical, and a sanctified life. But am I willing to sacrifice the life that I have in this real world, to have a life that is set apart?
Only time will tell.
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, and whoever will lose his life for me will save it."
Luke 9:23-24
I am sitting up at 1:19 am wondering why i'm still awake, and why the questions keep on coming. Living in a new town, with no home, and not many friends isn't what I had in mind to end my summer with. But, maybe it's not about what I had in mind. (I don't know where this post is going, my fingers are just kind of roaming as I think...haha)
I wish things went the way I wanted, but if they did, they probably wouldn't turn out half as well as they typically do. I wish I could understand and know why. But I suppose, Job, a righteous man, when he asked God why, God answered him out of a storm and Job recieved the answer of his lifetime. No, I guess I don't need to know why, (nor could I if I did need to know).
I want to live a reformed, and a radical, and a sanctified life. But am I willing to sacrifice the life that I have in this real world, to have a life that is set apart?
Only time will tell.
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, and whoever will lose his life for me will save it."
Luke 9:23-24
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Real life, or death?
Leaving K-Kountry has been a weird experience. Everyone who has been there has been protected in the Kanakuk bubble for the most part.
But now, we're back in the real world.
Back where traffic and bad drivers can get under our skin, back where finances may be tight, back where we are able to watch whatever movies and listen to whatever music we want to.
Talking to a camp friend today made me think of something. As she was about to leave, we both saw it was raining, and she quickly said, "Oh, great its raining!" And almost as soon as it was off of her tongue, she turned around and proclaimed, "there are bigger things to worry about." Before she left we talked about words like 'righteousness and sanctification.' Righteousness is just the scale of how holy something is, and sanctification is the process of being set apart. At camp, or at church even, we are shielded from temptations, and in reality, this "real world."
But after we leave, all we have to do is make a choice. A choice to continue with the attitude and mindset we had before, or a choice to go back to the way things are in real life.
We are all outside of the bubble we've been in now, but we don't have to let the things of this "real life" affect us the way they have in the past, or the way they have up to the moment that you read this.
None of us have to let those two seconds we spent waiting on the driver to turn on his signal bother us, or worry about money for things we need or don't need, or watch those movies with content that our eyes and ears don't need to be taking in. Going to camp has shown me that this real life that TV portrays, and that people attempt to gain through worldly successes, doesn't really matter.
The longer I'm gone from camp, the more time I spend with people, the more I realize that this "real life," is more like a real death. I can let the things of Earth get to me, or I can wake up and realize that the only thing in this world that matters is loving Christ and serving with all I have in me, and then, when I have nothing more, serving and loving with the strength that only Christ can give me. So today, I will choose to live the real life for Christ, and I will serve him until my days are done.
Little things don't matter unless you let them matter. That is why they are called the "little things."
Matthew 10:39 says, "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
Lose the life that this world defines, and find the abundant life that only Christ can give.
This is not a challenge from me, but Christ's challenge to all who call Him, "Savior" and "Lord."
Abba,
Give us strength for today, and make us strong and courageous. Tomorrow has enough trouble of its own, so help us through the little things today. May we seek after you and draw near to you, and when we pull away, let those who see us be blinded by the light that you leave on our faces. You are all we need. Amen.
"As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."
Joshua 24:15
But now, we're back in the real world.
Back where traffic and bad drivers can get under our skin, back where finances may be tight, back where we are able to watch whatever movies and listen to whatever music we want to.
Talking to a camp friend today made me think of something. As she was about to leave, we both saw it was raining, and she quickly said, "Oh, great its raining!" And almost as soon as it was off of her tongue, she turned around and proclaimed, "there are bigger things to worry about." Before she left we talked about words like 'righteousness and sanctification.' Righteousness is just the scale of how holy something is, and sanctification is the process of being set apart. At camp, or at church even, we are shielded from temptations, and in reality, this "real world."
But after we leave, all we have to do is make a choice. A choice to continue with the attitude and mindset we had before, or a choice to go back to the way things are in real life.
We are all outside of the bubble we've been in now, but we don't have to let the things of this "real life" affect us the way they have in the past, or the way they have up to the moment that you read this.
None of us have to let those two seconds we spent waiting on the driver to turn on his signal bother us, or worry about money for things we need or don't need, or watch those movies with content that our eyes and ears don't need to be taking in. Going to camp has shown me that this real life that TV portrays, and that people attempt to gain through worldly successes, doesn't really matter.
The longer I'm gone from camp, the more time I spend with people, the more I realize that this "real life," is more like a real death. I can let the things of Earth get to me, or I can wake up and realize that the only thing in this world that matters is loving Christ and serving with all I have in me, and then, when I have nothing more, serving and loving with the strength that only Christ can give me. So today, I will choose to live the real life for Christ, and I will serve him until my days are done.
Little things don't matter unless you let them matter. That is why they are called the "little things."
Matthew 10:39 says, "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
Lose the life that this world defines, and find the abundant life that only Christ can give.
This is not a challenge from me, but Christ's challenge to all who call Him, "Savior" and "Lord."
Abba,
Give us strength for today, and make us strong and courageous. Tomorrow has enough trouble of its own, so help us through the little things today. May we seek after you and draw near to you, and when we pull away, let those who see us be blinded by the light that you leave on our faces. You are all we need. Amen.
"As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."
Joshua 24:15
Friday, July 9, 2010
Moments of Wonder
I just spent the last 48 days of my life at a camp for kids, learning to work with them, to love them, and to pour myself out. I got paid very little, and got very little sleep. I am exhausted and will be for a while.
But I want to go back. Now.
K-Kountry has been the defining moment in my life. I've never been challenged to love, or be more patient, or be more "hype" in my entire life. I am talking to a friend I made at camp right now, and the conversation coming from both of us is that we've never grown more. We're so excited about what God has shown us and how we have matured. I just got chills from the conversation and they have nothing to do with me not being used to the AC (get off me AC).
Being a counselor, a friend, and a role model to these kids may sound like an awesome job. But it's not. There are nights where a kid wakes you up at 3:00 am because he is homesick, or needs to use the bathroom, or needs to borrow your blanket. There are days that are hot and you are stuck working with a kid on the top of the trapeze convincing him he will be fine for thirty minutes, or where you are carrying a soaked pile of wet sheets to the nurse because one of your guys had an accident, or you will have a boy lose his shirt, socks, shoes, and last pair of his underwear all in one day. Sound like an awesome job? Like I said, it isn't.
It's more than awesome.
Those days that frustrate us counselors most strengthen us the most. And we get to love those kids as we serve them in Christ's name. We get to comfort and hold the little seven year old who cries out in the night; we get to show patience and confidence in a boy who has never been told he is good enough or who has no confidence in himself; we serve kids by helping them become responsible and sacrificing our time to help them. I've never been more challenged to love than I have been at camp this summer. I've come to know a love that stretches beyond my love, a patience that is of the spirit, and a heart that forgets those small and annoying transgressions.
I worked with 11 year olds in a kayaking clinic. The first day we asked them to perform a wet exit and trust us, guys they don't know from Joe White, and flip upside down in the murky waters of the mighty mississippi and get out of their kayak upside down. I was afraid my first time, and I'm 19...these guys were 11, and I stood there and watched so many guys conquer their fears, and encourage one another, and pray together at the end of clinics. Awesome doesn't describe experiences like that.
Throughout the summer, especially at the beginning, Austin Sailsbury talked to all the staff about "moments of wonder." These were times that blew your mind, leaving you thinking, "is this real life?"
Moments when a guy who has been bullied his entire life, and now bullies others, realizes that he can just be their friend and love them. -when a 9 year old prays to God and does so "just to say hi." -when you see 2oo boys and girls "get hype for Jesus." -carrying a little boy who has never been loved before on your shoulders. -having a pillow fight with 5 nine year olds. -watching the smallest guy in your barn jump from a 30 ft tower into the water with less fear than you had (shout out to Ross McMurdo.) -watching 10 "ninjas" fight from bunk to bunk. -tucking your boys in bed everynight, and having them ask you to help them "ask Jesus into his heart." -watching boys and girls stare at the big chief and the fight between good and evil -watching kids be outraged because their favorite puppet, Bummer, was stolen by some monochromatic thugs (and leading them aorund kamp to find clues.) -hearing that bell that announced the salvation of a little guy or gal. -linking arms with other little guys chasing the girls singing, "don't you know that's the sound of the men? Kick back!" -watching kids scream with glee as they fly down into the water at the bottom of the zipline. -riding down the waterslides to beat the record with a kid and flipping around backwards while laughing the entire time. -watching "Bunny the Caveman" say things were "OKAAAAVE" with him and throw Lord Appleby into the slew. -seeing 200 kids jump up and down singing the devo rap. -watching your 9 year olds sing and dance in your barn (shout out, Corey Schulz) hahaha. -giving your kid, who is dressed up as "Ken," a dress for his barbie that is made of duct tape (why his mom let him bring a naked barbie I'll never know.) -receiving letters from your old kids -watching Poppa T talk football while the staff rolls from laughter and kids are lost completely -watching the kids go crazy during worship from the view up with the Pierce, Family, Reunion, Band! -singing and drumming on the table during "I'll make a man out of you" and other Disney songs -giving an award to a kid and having him laugh the entire way through it. -hearing one of your boys tell you that "you are awesome." -tubing with your guys on a freezing lake and laughing, all the while taking in God's glorious creation. -sitting with a guy until he falls asleep because he is scared, cold, or homesick. -praying with 4 kids and 3 counselors in rain that has you drenched to the bone -being lost without those kids who were lost without you.
-loving kids with the love that Christ has given you.
I feel like I just wrote the perfect (and longest) Mastercard commercial ever. All of these moments are priceless. I've made more true friends, I've met more amazing people, I've seen God, I've learned to love, more than I would've ever expected at K-Kountry. So after it all, I miss it and can't wait to go back. Anyone else who was there this summer would agree.
K-Kountry makes you a better person. As much as parents and leadership try to convince us that we change these kids' lives, they are changing our lives.
God, thank you for K-Kountry and for the kids that came through those big red barn doors. Thank you for the fellowship that happened there and for the growth that has been felt. You lead all of the staff there for a reason, and we were so blessed. You are indescribable. Thanks for allowing this summer to be so great, and for giving it a beginning and an end. Amen.
Session One staff of 2010,
You Rock. And your shirts ain't dry. Keep being hype, keep showing that love and that light, and listen to "Joyful Noise" one more time if you can stand it (and dance like noone's business.) I love you guys, and can't wait to see you in the future. God bless you, and may you bless and glorify his name.
Men. Link arms and hold that line, because the enemy is coming.
In Christ,
Tim
"For I am crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me"
-Galatians 2:20
But I want to go back. Now.
K-Kountry has been the defining moment in my life. I've never been challenged to love, or be more patient, or be more "hype" in my entire life. I am talking to a friend I made at camp right now, and the conversation coming from both of us is that we've never grown more. We're so excited about what God has shown us and how we have matured. I just got chills from the conversation and they have nothing to do with me not being used to the AC (get off me AC).
Being a counselor, a friend, and a role model to these kids may sound like an awesome job. But it's not. There are nights where a kid wakes you up at 3:00 am because he is homesick, or needs to use the bathroom, or needs to borrow your blanket. There are days that are hot and you are stuck working with a kid on the top of the trapeze convincing him he will be fine for thirty minutes, or where you are carrying a soaked pile of wet sheets to the nurse because one of your guys had an accident, or you will have a boy lose his shirt, socks, shoes, and last pair of his underwear all in one day. Sound like an awesome job? Like I said, it isn't.
It's more than awesome.
Those days that frustrate us counselors most strengthen us the most. And we get to love those kids as we serve them in Christ's name. We get to comfort and hold the little seven year old who cries out in the night; we get to show patience and confidence in a boy who has never been told he is good enough or who has no confidence in himself; we serve kids by helping them become responsible and sacrificing our time to help them. I've never been more challenged to love than I have been at camp this summer. I've come to know a love that stretches beyond my love, a patience that is of the spirit, and a heart that forgets those small and annoying transgressions.
I worked with 11 year olds in a kayaking clinic. The first day we asked them to perform a wet exit and trust us, guys they don't know from Joe White, and flip upside down in the murky waters of the mighty mississippi and get out of their kayak upside down. I was afraid my first time, and I'm 19...these guys were 11, and I stood there and watched so many guys conquer their fears, and encourage one another, and pray together at the end of clinics. Awesome doesn't describe experiences like that.
Throughout the summer, especially at the beginning, Austin Sailsbury talked to all the staff about "moments of wonder." These were times that blew your mind, leaving you thinking, "is this real life?"
Moments when a guy who has been bullied his entire life, and now bullies others, realizes that he can just be their friend and love them. -when a 9 year old prays to God and does so "just to say hi." -when you see 2oo boys and girls "get hype for Jesus." -carrying a little boy who has never been loved before on your shoulders. -having a pillow fight with 5 nine year olds. -watching the smallest guy in your barn jump from a 30 ft tower into the water with less fear than you had (shout out to Ross McMurdo.) -watching 10 "ninjas" fight from bunk to bunk. -tucking your boys in bed everynight, and having them ask you to help them "ask Jesus into his heart." -watching boys and girls stare at the big chief and the fight between good and evil -watching kids be outraged because their favorite puppet, Bummer, was stolen by some monochromatic thugs (and leading them aorund kamp to find clues.) -hearing that bell that announced the salvation of a little guy or gal. -linking arms with other little guys chasing the girls singing, "don't you know that's the sound of the men? Kick back!" -watching kids scream with glee as they fly down into the water at the bottom of the zipline. -riding down the waterslides to beat the record with a kid and flipping around backwards while laughing the entire time. -watching "Bunny the Caveman" say things were "OKAAAAVE" with him and throw Lord Appleby into the slew. -seeing 200 kids jump up and down singing the devo rap. -watching your 9 year olds sing and dance in your barn (shout out, Corey Schulz) hahaha. -giving your kid, who is dressed up as "Ken," a dress for his barbie that is made of duct tape (why his mom let him bring a naked barbie I'll never know.) -receiving letters from your old kids -watching Poppa T talk football while the staff rolls from laughter and kids are lost completely -watching the kids go crazy during worship from the view up with the Pierce, Family, Reunion, Band! -singing and drumming on the table during "I'll make a man out of you" and other Disney songs -giving an award to a kid and having him laugh the entire way through it. -hearing one of your boys tell you that "you are awesome." -tubing with your guys on a freezing lake and laughing, all the while taking in God's glorious creation. -sitting with a guy until he falls asleep because he is scared, cold, or homesick. -praying with 4 kids and 3 counselors in rain that has you drenched to the bone -being lost without those kids who were lost without you.
-loving kids with the love that Christ has given you.
I feel like I just wrote the perfect (and longest) Mastercard commercial ever. All of these moments are priceless. I've made more true friends, I've met more amazing people, I've seen God, I've learned to love, more than I would've ever expected at K-Kountry. So after it all, I miss it and can't wait to go back. Anyone else who was there this summer would agree.
K-Kountry makes you a better person. As much as parents and leadership try to convince us that we change these kids' lives, they are changing our lives.
God, thank you for K-Kountry and for the kids that came through those big red barn doors. Thank you for the fellowship that happened there and for the growth that has been felt. You lead all of the staff there for a reason, and we were so blessed. You are indescribable. Thanks for allowing this summer to be so great, and for giving it a beginning and an end. Amen.
Session One staff of 2010,
You Rock. And your shirts ain't dry. Keep being hype, keep showing that love and that light, and listen to "Joyful Noise" one more time if you can stand it (and dance like noone's business.) I love you guys, and can't wait to see you in the future. God bless you, and may you bless and glorify his name.
Men. Link arms and hold that line, because the enemy is coming.
In Christ,
Tim
"For I am crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me"
-Galatians 2:20
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